All the official and high brow golf magazines will tell you about the maximum number of clubs you can have in your bag. How many tees and towels you should take and all the official “stuff”. What you really need though, is someone who is at your level, to tip you off about the things the snooty golfers won’t mention.
Before I get into the unofficial list of things you will need, it is worth mentioning that I have type one diabetes. This means a large chunk of my golf bag pockets are stuffed with sugary treats. You probably won’t need as many. Let’s get to it.
Toilet Roll / Wet Wipes
This sets the tone for the rest of the article. It is not just bears who sh*t in the woods it turns out. You will be surprised just how often you will get caught short on the toilet front. It will happen either be midway through the front or back 9.
I prefer to play golf in the morning if I can. Either really early in the morning, say 7am ish. Or mid-morning at the latest. If it is mid morning, you will probably have met your golf buddies for breakfast in the clubhouse. Clubhouse breakfasts can include a bacon sandwich or a full english, and this can catch you out midway through the round. Toilet troubles ahoy.
Don’t be scared of the “countryman” as it is known in our neck of the woods. In terms of tactics, prop yourself up against a tree in a squat stance. Be sure to keep your golf trousers or shorts out of the way, and then, unleash the beast. Use the toilet roll or biodegradable wet wipes to clean the job up and then try and bury the evidence.
Whatever you do, don’t be tempted to curl one out into the hole cup on the green. Also make sure that no one is in eye-shot. You don’t want to end up on a watch-list because of a rogue egg from the clubhouse.
Hay-fever / allergy tablets
We play all winter in the torrid weather, dreaming of sunnier golf playing times. Then the sun comes out, the course dries up and you, or your playing partner has horrific hay fever.
Hay fever is one of the most evil illnesses out there. You can be fine on minute and crying the next. I don’t suffer from hay fever at all, but sometimes I can wander into a pollen haze and be sneezing away. I carry a packet of hay fever tablets mainly for my friends who can suffer quite badly. You don’t want them use it as an excuse for poor golf, especially if you are on the same team.
Jelly Babies or Fruit Pastilles
As mention at the outset, I am a Type One diabetic (the “proper one” as we in the insulin hoovering trade call it). So I need to make sure I have a range of sugary snacks in the golf bag. I always have glucose tablets ready but I also keep a packet of Jelly Babies.
The majority of my golfing buddies understand I may need them for a medical emergency. It does not stop them eating them. They are a great team spirit builder. Also, they can provide a moral boosting moment if you have just triple bogey’d or hit three off the tee .
Golf Ball Marker Stamp
Some people just write their initials on their golf ball with a sharpie. Boring! Once a year I get a batch of Titleist Velocity balls customised. I usually get “WhackF*ck” printed on them. pretty memorable.
This fathers day though, my kids got me the best present. An abusive golf ball stamp. It has a hand with the middle finger sticking up. I think it was a custom made one because I can’t find them anywhere to show on here. I have found a Skull and Crossbones one that I think could upset the old golf club duffers just as much as mine. At £5.42 from Amazon, I think it is fantastic value for money.
Bottle Opener
Most modern golf bags now have a draw string, with a clip on the end, inside one of the pockets. I am sure this is for something worthy like a scorecard holder. I use it for keeping a beer bottle opener attached to it.
Once again, like the Jelly Babies, handing over a cold beer can help you provide a moment of calm. Especially after your playing partner throws his sand wedge in the golf course lake after taking 8 shots to get out of the bunker. Peroni remains the golfers favourite bottle of beer. Stella (eek) seems to be making a comeback as the can of choice. Personally, I much prefer a cold can of G&T, classy, I know.
I really like this divot repair tool that also has a bottle opener on it. Easy to get lost in your golf bag, but nifty nontheless. Even better, it costs just £5.79 from Amazon.
Soggy Golf Towel & Dry Golf Towel
As I went from being a pure fair-weather golfer to playing all year I spotted something. Some of the old-boys were taking two golf towels around. I quickly worked out that one was damp, and one was bone dry.
They wipe the mud (and bad luck) off with the damp golf towel. Then dry it with the other towel. Simple and effective! I now do this all year round. An extra towel is also handy when it starts to rain and you forgot your golf umbrella. You can use it to go over the top of all of your golf clubs. Thank me later.
Customised Golf First Aid Kit
You can go out an buy all kids of golf first aid kits nowadays. I will tell you all that you need, first aid wise, for your golf bag.
Plasters (blister and normal)
Gauze (if you get hit with a ball on say an eye socket, it can pour with bloody, gauze is handy). And yes, I did get hit in the eye socket, with a golf ball. It’s a long story.
Biofreeze – no really, it can give almost immediate relief to a shoulder, back or foot muscle injury. I have suffered from all of them and this stuff really helps.
Paracetamol / Ibuprofen
This can actually be more handy for day two of golf tours when you have a hangover and need a medical intervention
Scissors – small pair for trimming plasters/gauze
Wet wipes – not just for use when you have had countrymen
Hip Flask and What to Put in it
A hip flask is not an essential for your golf bag. It can set you apart from the golfing riff raff though. You don’t need to wave it around on every round you play, that would be a bit ghastly.
Keep it in your golf bag for those special moments. A hole in one. A chip in from 140 yards out. Or whilst you are waiting for the air ambulance to turn up after your playing partner hit the captain of the four-ball ahead of you. This kind of thing.
The contents of your hip flask is up to you. I go for an Amaretti because I am not a whisky drinker. Alternatives are a high brow single-malt whisky, or maybe a nice port. In a moment of sheer delight, or absolute panic, a hip flask being revealed from your golf bag can lift your status amongst your peers.
The one shown below is the exact same one that I have. A nice tweed touch to it and at just £11.99 it is a golfing bargain.
What secret things do you have in your golf bag?
What are the little gems that you put in your golf bag. I often see a lot of trail mix being handed about amongst the healthier golf players. It is not for me, unless I am trying to tempt in a squirrel that has taken my ball (this happens a lot at Ross on Wye golf course).
Please do leave your golf bag supply tips in the comments section below.
